And how are your nipples?
I retreated to my happy place and sang childhood songs in my head to blot out the conversation in my living room. The doula was here for her post birth visitation. She and the good lady were discussing stuff that should remain in the dark.
No cracking, redness?
Boak. I remember when they used to be my toys. Now what were they? Slobbery nub nubs for a baby's delectation. I pulled the mental pillow even tighter over my ears.
How was the birth for you Boom Dawg?
I noticed that both of them were looking at me. The Doula and the good lady. Like I was a mouse at a hawk's tea party. What? What had she said? How was the birth for me?
Would it be ok to say it was like that bit in Empire Strikes Back where Han slices open the TaunTaun's belly and all its guts fall out when he was saving a frozen Luke Skywalker? No, better stay safe.
Oh it was fine.
Fine?
The Doula tilted her head quizzically as if figuring out how best to devour the fine specimen in front of her. The good lady was not looking too impressed either at my lack of loquacity.
Dammit, they needed more? Alright then. Double barrels...
Yeah, it was a doddle really.
It was like a dog had ran into the room and shat on the carpet. They looked at me with a heavy combination of disgust and disdain.
What the heck did they want from me? It was done. Couldn't we move on? The good lady shook her head like a cow being irritated by flies. Oh oh, I recognised that look.
Well. A doddle for me obviously. I mean, I just had to stand there.
By now the stares were gorgon-esque in their intensity. Fuck, fuck, fuckity baws... I had to get out of this. And fast. But what. They seemed to want something from me, something more. Like ravening zombies hungering for flesh. Wait...
I mean, I did cry. I cried. A lot.
I pushed my bottom lip out in the patented sad-face.
Awwwwww.
Chorused the good lady and the Doula. They swiftly moved their raptor gazes away from me and got back to talking of Calendula petals, inverted things and cracked nipples.
I erected my mental shields against it all again and retreated back to my happy place