As the new year approaches, life feels like it’s about to restart one more time.
I chose to come back home in early 2025, not knowing where it would take me. But despite the stress of trying to adapt to the work system that was new for me, I tried to open myself up to a completely new environment I’d always been scared to step into.
I joined a community gathering, which was something I’d longed for. It's always a big deal for me to put myself out there, because most of the time, my fear gets the better of me. But this year, I did it. I met inspiring people who I can only recall in my heart because of how amazing they are.
However, I also couldn't leave the feeling of missing out. You know that feeling, when you listen to other people’s life experiences that are so inspiring, but also makes you think of how far they’ve come. Meanwhile on the other side, you’re stuck in the same place for some time.
It was a strange feeling, but I left with the conviction that there’s actually something else for me out there, beyond the little bubble I created on my own. Have you ever experienced creating your own safety space, believing it was the best you could do for yourself, until you realized that you were actually trapped by your own mentality towards many things?
I eventually found myself finally lost the mental capacity to maintain that “safety space” that felt familiar before.. so I step back.
I wanted to rest. I wished I could take some time for myself. But the funny thing is, no matter how much effort I put into preparing it, when I finally on the other side, I already had a thousand different things to worry about.
I’d wanted to leave for a long time, but I kept avoiding my needs. Now, when I had enough time to wait for things to brew, I still questioned my decision. Why did I always find reasons to be disappointed with myself?
I almost regretted my decision once again, then I remembered that if I hadn’t taken the step, I wouldn’t experience my current situation.
I remember a lesson from an anime character: sometimes we blame ourselves with all of the information we have now and regret it as if we can anticipate back when we knew literally nothing about what would happen.
I have to remind myself that the changes I’m experiencing now are because I changed the situation back then, so that I can see the other opportunities outside the bubble I’ve stayed in for so long.
But returning home is never what I expected it to be. It’s just the same as how it used to make me feel. I still feel haunted. Maybe it’s not those four walls with the roof that scares me the most, but the version of myself when I’m there.
So, I left once again, perhaps hoping it would change something. I finally experienced how it’s like to live in my dreamy little environment, but even the first few nights, I cried over every single things. Again, I didn’t know what I was doing.
Came there and had a slower phase of life, somehow made me realized that all this time, maybe it wasn’t my environment that was hectic, but me. Because I still couldn’t follow my own rules even when I could control all of my time. Why couldn’t I? maybe bcs I'm always waiting for a better future. That's why I was never being fully present.
Weeks passed by and I just.. basically lost my sense of everything. I keep thinking that I didn’t even have an amazing life in my hometown, so I had nothing to lose. That’s true. But, I still have friends I can run to, places that feel familiar, and convenient when I need things.
It never feels as empty as if I stay isolating myself for too long. Even though I used to keep telling myself that I couldn’t (or don’t want to) live in the city, the truth is.. that city has familiarity.
I might hate myself for always overanalyzing everything, but maybe that’s just the way I am.. always noticing things and willing to reflect on them.
Peaceful morning walks close to nature helped me realize that perhaps things are just the same in every part of the world. Everything has its own challenges. Everyone has their own battlegrounds. Others may seem to be living their best life, but we’re all keep rolling and rolling everyday at the same rhythm, aren’t we?
I’m trying to not regret it, because at least I know that the situation I’ve always dreamed of doesn't make everything easier. In the end, it still depends on how I make the best out of it.
Sometimes I find myself imagining ideal scenarios if I didn’t take the “risks”, the outcomes would have been different. I judge my decisions based on the results I've already gotten, as if I knew it all beforehand. But the fact is, we can never know how the exact outcomes would be. Even if we did something differently, there’s no guarantee that the present would have been better.
I can’t deny that I messed up everything. But maybe that’s the price I have to pay to understand myself better for continuing this journey of life.
Have I restarted way too often? Maybe. But I think it was and still necessary. Because each time I restart, I gain better perspectives that I can carry along the way.
It's like reading a book–it might not be our favorite, but somehow we want to know how everything unfolds one by one, the plot twist, the character development, and how the story will wrap up.
Honestly, I'm still completely lost. I don’t know how to get back into whatever my mind can’t really articulate at the moment. One of those long, unfamiliar morning walk routes somehow reminded me: perhaps we get lost in a wrong way, only to understand that we shouldn’t take it further in the future.
Perhaps this year isn't the time to achieve anything, but God is giving me time to improve what could have been better. So as long as I believe in Allah, I believe in myself.