I shivered at the sudden cold that sprung up around my desk. It had become awfully dark too. What the hell?
It was then, I looked up to see my erstwhile HUEL glugging colleague, Sick-Line, standing above my desk. His planet-like bulk blotting out the sun.
He leered down at me as if he were a walrus and I, a tasty fish.
Alright, BoomDawg.
He waved a bottle menacingly at me.
I looked at the bottle then at him, raising an eyebrow.
Aye aye. What's that? It doesn't look like the huel nonsense?
He shook his head so vigorously that even his back-boobs wobbled.
The Huel? Nah, that stuff's for arseholes.
He sneered, looking as if arseholes were something we could all do without.
What!? You were all Gung ho on it a month ago?
I exclaimed handsomely from my slender jaws.
Idly I noticed that he didn't seem to have lost any weight.
For a fleeting moment, Sick-Line looked sheepish.
Aye well, I admit it, I was wrong. All a man needs is a reasonable diet and some regular exercise.
He gave a satisfied cluck and lifted the bottle in his hands to his lips, taking a deep swig.
I did a double take. This was odd. Sick-Line was known for many things, one of them was most certainly not being reasonable.
This did not seem like him at all.
Yeah, I would agree with that.
I said, somewhat reluctantly as if agreeing with Sick-Line was like scratching a sweaty arse through thin underpants.
Sick-Line waved the bottle in his hand at me looking slightly annoyed that I hadn't paid it any attention.
I made out the name Aquarius on the side.
And of course... Don't forget THIS!
What? What was he talking about? Had he finally jumped the shark? Was I even using that phrase correctly?
I made a non-commital face as if opening an arse parcel and finding a plastic watch.
Well aye, water is very important.
I said slowly.
Sick-Line reeled back as if I had told his mother that she didn't suit blue.
Water!? This isn't just water? Pah.
He stretched up and stroked his own chest as if it were a Labrador next to him on a bed.
This is low calorie water.
There is a silence. A deep and strange silence.
I looked at him.
Low. Calorie. Water.
I stated as if the buffoons had finally taken over.
Not just low calorie, mate. It's got zinc and all that shit. I don't need to tell you about zinc do I?
I made a face as if one of my cat's was making that awful slurpy licking noise when washing it's own arse.
Zinc?
Perhaps he would have to tell me?
Sick-Line shook his head at my ignorance.
Aye, zinc. Good for cognitive function...
He leaned in and whispered salaciously.
I won't even tell you what it does to the soldiers...
He looked around for a moment before cupping his balls and briefly making a tugging gesture at me.
I tried to control my eyes as they fought to free themselves from my skull.
Erm... That's alright, I don't think I want to know.
He ignored me.
Fucking millions of it man. Millions. Thought I was gonna have to get a bucket the other night.
He winked and walked off.
I trembled slightly at the very idea of Sick-Line cranking out pint after pint of hot fish yoghurt.
Then I paused and thought of the good lady.
Maybe I will pick up a couple of bottles. It would make a change from flowers.