This weekend was spent in the highest nooks of Scotland with the gentle fisher folk of the East.
A delicate situation arose. I am not sure if I handled it at all well. I think I might be in hot water with the good lady's family and not the kind that I can usually wiggle out of with an easy smile and the handing over of some coloured beads like I usually do.
Not this time.
You see I kind of mortally offended her father who is a brooding totem pole of a man. He is a large man and despite being well into his dotage still commands respect among the locals with his fierce beard and thick calloused fingers.
It is whispered by the loose tongued of the village that he made some kind of deal with the watery gods of the sea which explains why he still has jet black hair in his seventies. I say the vain old git uses Just For Men.
No matter, I am rambling. So today we visited some of the more touristy aspects of Dundee today and as we walked around some fishing museum he managed to snaggle me away from the rest of the family.
I knew this did not bode well.
He looked at me square in the eye.
So it's a boy that your are having.
No question this. Just a black bearded statement.
Yes, that's right Mr Boom-in-Law. We are awfully excited.
Aye.
He stared at me.
What the fuck was that supposed to mean?... Aye?
I stared straight back at him. I noticed he had some food in his beard. I tried not to stare at it. Was it egg or chicken, I idly wondered?
Aye.
I stated.
Aye, a boy.
He replied.
I was about to ask if he was having a stroke when he broke the silence and continued.
None of the boys have had a son. All girls. Your good lady, my daughter has taken your name.
He said this a little accusingly. I was a little put out. I mean, granted he was never that happy that I snaffled her away from her home town but that was a loooooong time ago.
And your point is, Mr Boom-in-Law?
A long and treacherous silence played out. We stared at each other. In the background, a beggar boy with no arms played the fiddle with his feet. Nothing unusual in Dundee. He gritted his teeth and solemnly uttered.
It would mean a lot to the family if you called your boy after me. It's a family tradition that name you understand?
Out of respect for my good lady I shan't say what that name is on the blockchain. It is not the finest of names though. In fact it's a bit of a crap name.
I snorted like a hippo eating an otter.
Weeelll, you see Mr Boom-in-Law, it's not quite that simple.
He arched a ferociously wild and untamed eyebrow at me. It looked like an angry cockerel on his forehead.
I blumbled quickly on.
You see the good lady is awfully determined, as you well know and she has an idea for a name. In fact we have already agreed on it.
much to my disgust my suggestion of Rodriguez had been swiftly vetoed
I am sure you could change her mind.
He said this with an air of finality. Like a rock landing on a mouse.
No, sorry. We have decided.
It was my father's name.
Ah right. Good on him. But erm it's a bit old fashioned so... No, sorry.
He harrumphed greatly and jutted his craggy bearded chin out disapprovingly.
At that point the good lady and my daughter found us.
Hey guys what are you up to?
Nothing lass, just talking rubbish eh Mr Boom-in-Law?
The old feller grunted and gave me a hard look before saying something about the toilet and wandering off.
My good lady leaned close and whispered that I had better not have annoyed him.
I smiled my best doltish smile.
Of course not lass!
But really, it's an awful name.