I woke up. For some reason, it was not via the usual method of a child jumping on my defenceless form or Mummy bear shouting stuff about plans and getting organised.
This in itself struck me as very peculiar.
I swung my legs out of bed. My head started to pound with a deep boom boom, boom boom. What was this? Had I been interfered with during my sleep? I quickly had a check for my rod of power, phew, still there. I still felt out of sorts though. What on earth was going on?
I had a bad feeling about this.
Tentatively, I made my way downstairs. As I entered the living room I stopped, dead in my tracks. There before me, the good lady and little lady were smiling happily.
Good morning Daddy!
They chorused, joy pouring out of every pore.
The good lady stood up.
Looks like Daddy bear could use a coffee. Coming right up, Daddy!
It was immediately apparent to me then that my family had been replaced by wide smiled automatons. What made me think this? Well, the morning routine is more often than not a confrontation of vinegary glares and tired grumbles. Not this. This strange sweetness and light thing going on.
I was immediately on guard but even though my insides clenched like I was trying to fart out some new shoes, my exterior betrayed no such angst.
I smiled and nodded like a dog having its chest rubbed.
Here we go. A coffee for you my sweet.
Purred the one that looked like my wife as she came back into the room with a big mug of coffee.
I took the coffee from the wife replicant and under her watchful gaze pretended to take a sip.
Mmmmmm. Yummy.
I nodded and rubbed my tummy at the imposter. This seemed to please it and it backed off slightly, motioning slightly to the little mechanical thing that looked like my daughter.
It jerked into motion and came toward me with a bulky shape wrapped in gaudy paper.
What the hell? Was this a bomb?! I contemplated booting the clockwork contraption right in the jambala but it was too fast and before I could tell my leg to get kicky it was right in front of me.
I closed my eyes and held out my hands. At least it would be quick. The parcel was placed in my hands.
Happy birthday daddy!
The little metal creature cried tinnily.
Before I could say anything the wife replicant came in and it too passed me a crudely wrapped parcel
Happy birthday sweetheart!
It beamed.
I eyed her cagily. There was no birthday here. I had not aged another year, I was sure of it. Thus was their great farce exposed.
They were staring at me expectantly, the wife replicant nodded at the parcel in my hands.
Thank you.
I said, grimacing as if something hideously large was being pushed up my chuff.
Aren't you going to open them?
Yelled the one that looked like my daughter.
Of course, hang on though. I left my phone upstairs and want to get it so I can take a photo!
They looked distrusting but didn't try to impede me as I left the room. As I went up the stairs, I heard the mummy type imposter say something about hangovers and always being like this first thing in the morning on his birthday
Ha. Wishful thinking robot invaders. As if I was just going to believe that it is actually my birthday and I have a terrible hangover instead of the awful truth that my head was fiddled with during the night obviously by aliens and my family kidnapped and replaced with robotic imposters!!!??!
I mean, what would you believe?