The little boom was teething again, the screaming and yelping like a demented cross between a seal and a chicken was driving me nuts. Also robbing me of precious handsome man sleep.
As usual, on a Monday I went to meet my mate Daz at the local park. He has a daughter the same age as the little boom. She is a docile creature and mostly sits there watching the world with her old eyes. Sometimes, I think she is mocking me.
Often, the two kids are strapped to our respective fronts and sleep whilst me and Daz chew the fat. The little boom was not for sleeping today though.
In fact all he wanted to do was scream. And scream. And scream.
It made ordering my coffee a little difficult.
Skinny latte with an extra shot please?
What?
Bellowed the man behind the counter over the red-faced screaming emanating from my shouty front-baby.
Skinny latte, extra shot!
Who?!
Shouted the serving manjano, he seemed to be annoyed at the noise. Ha, try strapping it to your front and going for a walk, you fanny.
I mimed shitting into a cup and he quickly got the idea that I wanted some of his finest coffee.
Eventually, coffee in hand, I sat down next to Daz.
He teething?
He yelled over the screeching noise of a thousand sheep being slaughtered with blunt saws.
I made this! It's awesome!!
Aye.
I replied tersely.
We tried to have a conversation but it was hopeless. I took the little boom out of the sling and let him go for a walk about to see if that would take his mind of his painful mouth.
He stopped screaming for a moment. My ears rang with the silence of it all. I watched as he walked his cowboy swagger over to a couple of people in suits who looked like they were having a meeting. On arrival at their table, he started screaming at them.
Apologetically, I picked him up and took him back to our table. Eventually, we gave it up as a lost cause. It was impossible to do anything with the grumbling from the little man.
I took him home.
The rest of the day was the same, small moments of quiet punctured by vast amounts of screaming.
After bedtime for both of the kids, I sat in the lounge, staring into space.
The good lady came in the room. She saw me sitting there, her empathetic, touchy-feely vampire side saw an opportunity to feed and she approached, perching on the edge of the armchair.
Hey Daddy-Bear, rough day eh.
Hrmmm.
I grunted, like a Russian eating potato salad.
I can see it has affected you, all that screaming?
She said quietly and gently as if I were a horse panicking because it had a badger stuck up its arse.
Didn't affect me. I'm made of steel.
I said with little of my normal conviction.
Hey you, come on. Open up. It's good to share. Tell me how you are feeling?
I avoided her gaze and made a soft hoomphing noise.
Oh don't be like that Daddy. I can see you are upset. Tell me, what are you thinking right this moment?
I stretched an arm out and cuddled the good lady close. She gave me a big squeezy hug and looked in my eyes earnestly.
I looked at her with an agonised face and whispered.
All that screaming, all day long...
Go on Daddy, open up, tell me what you are feeling?
I met her eyes, my voice a low husky thing.
All that screaming... You know, I don't think I would have been a very good torturer...