I parked the car up in a clearing the middle of a wood and looked about me suspiciously.
It looked like the kind of place that was a hotbed of night-time dogging.
Thankfully there were no lonely men loitering about rubbing their magic lamps. Safe to get the little guy out of the back.
Well, little guy. Here we are, Off-Grid Kidz. You ready?
The Little Boom looked at me and nodded his head seriously.
I took him out the car and followed a sign which led me down to a massive old fallen log.
There were a few other kids there and a foppish young man dressed for steampunk combat.
Hi, the young man is starting today?
I asked of the young hipster warrior, trying not to stare at his ridiculous curling moustache.
Barnabum the Steempunk Assassin leant forward and shook my hand.
Hi. The name's Tim. Yup, got the little guy on the register.
Barnabum the Steempunk Assassin smiled at me.
I smiled back as if I didn't want to punch him in the neck.
Cool.
I said.
The only thing is... It's a drop off kind of thing?
Said Barnabum the Steempunk Assassin with an I'm sorry I ran over your dog kind of face.
Yeah, I know. That's cool. I will be back in an hour.
Barnabum the Steempunk Assassin looked relieved as if he had feared that I was going to hang about and learn how to make tree-bark lemonade with them.
It's important that they learn to feel grounded. You know? Like connected to the earth.
He nodded philosophically.
Yeah, whatever.
I made to go.
Cos like. Well, the things they will learn here will stand them in good stead for living a sustainable and green life.
Barnabum the Steempunk Assassin nodded at me in the way that men do when they are trying to convince their wives that sperm is good for the skin.
Aye, right. Magic.
Said I, attempting to shimmy sideways and leave.
Playing outside in this...
Barnabum the Steempunk Assassin waved around him at the trees.
Can really help us to redefine our connection to the earth. And we do that by aligning ourselves to it
He finished with a pompous stroke of his moustache.
I looked heavenward then back down at Barnabum the Steempunk Donkey.
He's one and a half. What exactly is he going to be doing that will align and reconnect him to the earth?
Bumbanjano the Steempunk Fritter looked down at his feet
Um, we are making mud pies today.
He mumbled.
I nodded.
Right. See you in an hour.
I left.
I really must ask the good lady how much this shit is costing us...