I was brushing my teeth when the call flashed up on my phone.
And when I say I was brushing my teeth then I patently mean that I was sitting on the throne squeezing out a Ewok's finger whilst surfing Hive.
Incursion detected. Alien craft, beaming coordinates now.
Shit, and literally so.
It looked like we had yet another Alien Incursion onto the planet earth and I had just gotten to the good bit of my shit.
Life truly isn't fair.
I scrambled into some clothing and used the stick shift on my car to turbo my way to the coordinates which had been broadcast to me by Command. It was the West End of Glasgow. One of the big parks.
As I parked The Motor, I noticed the sky was still shredded by the passing of the Alien craft.
I stopped by the local Crazy Chilli shop to pick up some angst. I was running low.
I hopped off the road and travelled the rest of the way on foot next to the river.
There! Up ahead, I saw the Alien ship that had descended from the heavens and landed among us.
It looked like a biggy.
As I cleared the trees, I saw just how fucking gigantic it actually was. It gleamed in the morning sun. strange alloys and metals must have been used in its construction to survive the stresses of travelling between the stars
I spied a broken porthole to the side and eased my way in. I had to find the owners of this ship and assess their threat to humanity.
If they were a threat,, well, it wouldn't go easy for them. Not on my watch.
Near the "entrance" I forced my way through, my first glimpse was of some type of exotic vegetable engine. Its propeller like wings still for now but I could imagine them whirling fiercely as it thrust its way through space.
Beyond the vegetable engine lay an atrium in which a lumpy stone statue sat. The alien statue was had two bulbous eye like stalks that stuck out from its torso.
I shuddered and hurried past it, my skin crawling.
The corridors on the ship curved in uncanny ways that made my head hurt and my eyes sting. Manfully, I marched on.
There was a recent picture of William Shatner on a stand as if the Aliens were making fun of us humans and our starfaring dreams.
I moved further into the bowels of the ship.
Past strange trees
And gigantic bizarre green hairy penis worms.
I stumbled upon a strange carving of one of the aliens. Perhaps this was an important leader?
Tall spiky aircon towers loomed over me and I marvelled at the aliens engineering skills.
Much as I marvelled at them, there appeared to be no sign of them on this ship. Shaking my head I exited the craft and looked for signs outside.
I saw a multi coloured bench which on closer inspection appeared to be covered in knitted woolens.
Peculiar, but not quite alien.
I decided to call off the chase. It could wait till tomorrow. Perhaps a nice cold beer in the sun was in order.
My drink came.
I was half way through before I realised it was not the beer I ordered. What the hell?
It could only be the aliens. I must be closer to them than I thought.