I was sitting, faffing with my phone when I felt the weight of the good lady's gaze sitting heavily on me.
I looked up. Indeed, she was looking at me through oddly narrowed eyes as if peering through a blizzard of arse feathers.
Can I help you?
I asked.
Hmmm.
Was her response.
I don't know about you but that doesn't rate as much of a response on the boom-o-meter.
She was still squinting at me, like I was a Toad and she was ferret wearing a bow-tie.
I decided to go on the offensive.
You see something you like babycakes?
I growled seductively, running a thumb from ear to chin through the magnificently beefy foilage on my face.
Her face lit up.
Ah! Yes!
I could almost hear the mechanical clicks and scrapes as things moved into place in her mind.
She cocked her head to one side.
Do you remember, a few weeks ago, we were joking about and I said something like 'ha, it's not as if you could grow a beard anyway,' remember that?
I stroked the dormant brown bear that now nestled on my chin thoughtfully.
Hmm, I don't think I remember that at all. Nope. Not in the slightest?
Oh but I do remember you evil bastard. I remember well the assault on the very bastion of my mannity. I remember and I also never forget. My vengeance will be long and terrible and most likely penis shaped...
No, doesn't ring any bells...
I murmured, nestling back in the armchair.
She made a face as if eating Kimchi made of feet skin.
Well. Perhaps you don't remember... You have proved me wrong though. You can most certainly, without the slightest doubt grow a beard.
There never was any doubt sweetcheeks.
I said loftily, activating my selfie camera and taking another belfie of the beard.
Well now you have proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt feel free to shave it off?
She beamed hopefully.
I cast an eye at her like a ping pong ball at a frat party.
Hmm.
I responded enigmatically, twiddling what might one day be a twiddlable moustache hair.
Perhaps.