There he is, my main man!
My brow rumpled as if squeezing out a salted caramel brownie. Standing before my desk was Crypto Man, my favourite Bitcoin buying, crypto trading colleague.
I sighed as if someone had sprinkled Kalamata olives over my desk again.
And what can your main man do for you?
Crypto Man grabbed a chair and wheeled up close enough for me to smell last nights dinner wafting from one of his orifices. Hopefully the mouth one.
So BoomDawg, you know I have been getting into all this Crypto shit?
I honked like a goose being goosed. He looked momentarily hurt.
Whats so funny?
I waved a superbly muscled hand airily at him.
Oh nothing, nothing. Do carry on.
He squared his shoulders and puffed up his chest.
I have been asked to do a presentation on Blockchain for the Innovation team.
My eyes stood out on stalks as I stared at him as if he was a masturbating dog that had just ejaculated and asked me to be a love and go make me a cup of tea.
I tried to speak but only a muffled wargle noise came out.
He looked at me smugly.
So there ye are. How do you like them biscuits?
I cleared my throat with a loud Krawwk.
They asked you to do a presentation on Blockchain? They... Asked you?
Yup...
He pretended to pick his nails as if he was asked to do extraordinary things every day instead of cleaning the bins and washing the cups in the kitchen.
I was quite taken aback. Our company had been toying with ideas on how to improve and not be left behind in the world. I couldn't quite believe they were asking Crypto Man. This was the guy who thought he had been hacked when the value of his Bitcoin went down after he bought it?
Well, erm. Good luck matey baws.
He stopped picking his nails.
Well that's the thing. I mean I did kinda volunteer myself and... well, I admit I am no expert.
Ah.
So I looked up some stuff on Google...
He made a face as if a polecat had ran up his trouser leg.
It's quite complicated though? I was wondering if you could give me the basics?
I snorfled loudly. Then stopped when I saw his intense little face wobble as though he was ready to break into squeaky little tears.
Well, I aint no expert dude. Essentially, a blockchain is a distributed digital ledger which...
He cheered instantly and clapped his hands together with a resounding slap.
That's the stuff. Magic! Could you stick that in an email and send it to me?
Could I bloody what?
I gave him my most ferocious staring into the abyss face.
Yeah, like, all the stuff online, it's all, wah wah wah.
He made a flappy hand gesture as he said wah wah wah. I leaned back in my chair, my face now firmly set in a look of disdain as if I had caught him in the act of making love to a barber's floor.
No, I bloody well couldn't, so beat it.
He reeled back as if I had doinked him with my shoe.
Erm... Go on... Please??
I looked at him with my big handsome face and let out a theatrical sigh. My eyes twinkled kindly. His face brightened and hope shone forth from his every pore.
I nodded slowly and started to smile.
I said no. So fuck off.
He huffed furiously before flouncing off, the blockchain weighing heavily on his shoulders. I smirked aloud.
This will be one fascinating presentation!