I opened up a conversation with someone I've never spoken to previously with a mind to open a dialogue and hopefully give them a little direction considering the path they'd found themselves upon (by their own doing) leads to nowhere productive for them. It didn't go so well as the person seemed somewhat obstinate, defensive and self-righteous. It was at that point I called an end to it and moved on because I haven't got time to waste however I was left considering the many conversations I've had in person, on the phone, email, and of course here on Hive - which is where the above "conversation" took place.
I've not communicated (conversed) perfectly all of the time and believe no one has despite what they may say, however I'm pretty good at it because I've learned how through trial and error, reading and through formal training in the ways of verbal and body language communication; I'm also quite friendly, open, knowledgeable and worldly in many ways which helps. With these thoughts in mind, and the disjointed and failed "conversation" as above, I thought I'd list a few points I've learned that I've used to good effect.
- Be vigilant for signs the person/people you're conversing with are bored; this is usually not conveyed through words but their body language. Have some strategies to engage better, ask open questions to get them involved and if you're talking too much, stop it.
- Don't belabour a point or topic of conversation, you'll lose the listener.
- Be open and engaged with your body language and words, let others know that you have genuine interest in them and what they have to say. This can be as simple as leaning in slightly as a sign you're very interested or a phrase like, "hmm, tell me more." (Said genuinely of course.)
- Be the first to say hello and use a genuine smile and open body language. People these days seem to live within their own world but getting a little social (in the right situations and manner of course) can help you really stand out and grab attention.
- Don't forget people's names, it's important to them. If you do forget don't be afraid to ask or confirm, it's respectful and they will appreciate it. Also, use people's names, not excessively though, that's a recipe for disaster.
- Keep up to date about what's happening around the place which can help conversation flow better; you don't need to be an expert, just know a thing or two. Most people are happy to talk about themselves so if all else fails have some dialogues to get them talking. (That means ask open ended questions, not ones they can say yes or no to.
- Compliment others but make sure it's genuine and appropriate. Telling a girl you just met, "dayum girl, your body is bangin" might not be the best thing to say.
- Make sure you listen to them. I don't mean listen whilst forming your next dialogue or response in your head either, listen to hear them. So many get this very simple element so wrong.
- Seek and expand on common interests, thoughts and opinions and try to avoid controversial topics - This is especially important if meeting and talking with people for the first time or those you do not know well. Stay in a safe zone and build rapport. Telling them their opinion is wrong or trying to prove them wrong won't endear you to them.
- Also, you don't always have to be right, in fact, you're never always right. It's ok for other people to be wrong, or think fervently that they are right, just don't be that person.
- Don't try to be the smartest person in the room, you are almost certainly not. Just because people listen to what you're saying with minimal response doesn't mean they're engaged; they could be simply tolerating you and seeking a way to exit the situation. Listen 70 percent of the time and talk 30 percent and don't be egotistical. Let others portray themselves as the expert if that's their thing.
- Keep eye contact about 60 percent of the time or there abouts. 100 percent eye contact is unnerving and not enough means you're disengaged. And, make sure you're not looking at her boobs (or his dick). This, of course, is situational; when two people are into each other eyes drop to different parts of the body, it's normal, but that will be accompanied with a whole gamut of other body language. In a business meeting though...nope, don't do it, you'll appear creepy, disingenuous and unprofessional and you'll not be well-received.
- Have a sense of humour and smile...obviously this needs to be done at the right moments and appropriately.
- Practice different conversation starters and follow-ups as well. A prepared person is better at a thing than an unprepared one. It's not dumb, all good communicators do it until it becomes a habit.
Ok, I wrote more than I had planned.
Communication (conversation) is important and those who do it well stand out. There's specific times and situations in which different conversational techniques should be used like the office, court room, hospital, socially, with strangers, family and so on and knowing what to do and how to do it in each situation isn't difficult, it just takes some effort and a little prior thought. We aren't all great at it but we can improve and I think that's important when good conversationalists are becoming the exception rather than the rule. Also, I believe one needs to be as good a conversationalist at the initial stages of a relationship as much later; it shouldn't degrade through familiarity.
What are your thoughts on how you personally communicate (converse) with others and do you feel you're good at it or bad; either way, why is it so and how do you think you could improve? Do you understand much about body language and how important it is to communication? It actually forms over 60 percent of communication, overt gestures and expressions and micro-facial expressions as well so knowing how to read those and use your own can help make a person much better at communication and conversation.
Feel free to comment below, I'll get back to you.
