Honestly, I don’t have much to tell about myself. I don’t have any amazing story that people would be interested in. Or any epic journey that would make people look at it twice. But a wise man once said, “if something must happen, the best way is to start.” I may not have an amazing story now, but the future is unknown. This is my start. A start for something new in my life.
I graduated high school in 2018, got a pretty decent result and was on my way to pursue my dream in art. Art has always been a big part of my life, art is pretty much my sanctuary, everything I wished to express will be poured on to a blank canvas and my world will slowly manifest, especially when most of my childhood was spent behind locked doors, art was my savior. Freedom was not a word for me. I live in a world where I am unable see the world and what’s out there for me. In order to achieve that dream, my dream where I can see the world, I’ve put in all my effort to get into an Art school in China with a scholarship. I’ve never been so fired up to grasp the future I’ve envision for myself.
I went through the whole ‘registering’ and enrolling process on my own. Going through interviews, creating my portfolio, getting my visa, getting the approval and acknowledgements from people I do not wish to deal with for the second time, getting the money I needed for everything. All these preparations took most of my teenage years. I was determined. Years of effort to forge my very own world. And alas, my hard work paid off. I got the letter of Acceptance, I was going to China, I was so close to see my world. But who would’ve thought that the steps you’ve built for years can be torn down within seconds and by your own family at that? I certainly didn’t expect it.
I was unable to catch myself from the fall, I hit rock bottom as I witness everything unravel before me. My own family whom I shared DNA with, whom I’ve respect and cared for, whom I thought supported and loved me, turns into monsters I wish I never knew. The changes weren’t obvious at first, but I was too caught up on my dream to notice the evident little signs. The lies they’ve fed me, secrets and schemes. I can see the web of manipulation right in front of me, and I was the powerless fly that was caught in it, never have I ever thought that there’d be an Iago within my own family, I’ve felt what Othello has been through on a personal level. That was the first time I had wished for someone else’s death other than myself.
To say I was sad is an understatement, I was livid, disappointed, devastated and helpless. I had nothing to believe in and there were moments I wished I was raised religious; I wish I knew how to pray, and that God would at least pull on my shirt to stop me from hitting the ground. I was in pain and I was alone. If I can’t see the world before, now hell can’t even match up to what I was going through. I was dying, figuratively and literally, dying.
As if watching my dream crumbles into pieces was not enough. I’ve lost my fiery passion, I’ve lost myself, and I am unable to create art anymore, all I am is an empty shell. Every time I look at a blank canvas I see and feel nothing. I was numb. My future was bleak. I needed to do something to change my life. And thus, I enrolled into the institute of teacher, where we are train to be international educators. This is the start of my story.