“I should be a more attentive mother. He shouldn’t have spoken harshly to me. I shouldn’t let the accounting books get behind. They should focus harder and get their act together. He shouldn’t have touched me like that. He should have touched me more....”
Really?!
That’s a damn lot of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” going on in my daily thoughts. And this kind of thinking is the basis for all of our discontent.
Generally our feelings of guilt, angst, lament or regret are from these 2 words playing over and over again in our minds.
Let’s look at a few for example.
Sometimes my brain says, “I should be more attentive mom.” Okay, why and how? I’m giving about as much attention to my 3 beautiful children as I have in me with all our other stuff going on. They are well cared for and know they are loved. How would I, or my kids, benefit if I were more attentive? My brain chatters - “well, they might know they’re loved MORE, have a more stable base, stronger chakra 1 roots from which to go form and bloom strongly.” Maybe...? Or, maybe I am a good enough mother that makes them feel loved, but not wholly satisfied? And from that space of happy but wanting more they will search for and pursue their passions and their lovers to quiet unfulfilled longings? My “good enough” mothering may spark their life path or inspire their drive towards intense purpose and fulfillment. Who knows?
Another one... My brain chatters - “I shouldn’t let the accounting records get behind.” But I have before and did again last year. And I hate it. And it causes me pain and frustration. It causes other people pain and frustration. And FINALLY I think I’m sick enough of all that to make a change via better scheduling and/or shifting these responsibilities entirely off of me. So there. Ultimately neglecting the books brought enough pain to resolve the situation for the better. There really was no “should” here. Only what was. Only what is. Only facts. Only truths.
“And so it is...” is more true than, “it should be....”
What would happen if we could learn to drop the damn “shoulds” and just embrace what is?
What are the “shoulds” that your brain chatters? What would it be like if you could let even one of them go, and just be with what is?