Parenting seems like it should be easy to those who do not have kids. "All you have to do..." statements are issued out like candy from those watching on the sidelines. Recently @dwinblood posted about this touchy subject in his piece on parenting. At first I was going to just comment, but a lot of things came up.
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In this I feel like I have a unique view. I was abused as a kid. Physically and mentally. I ended up having kids early, and I dived into watching from the professionals. Those people who loved kids as much as I did, and I studied how they handled children. Literally, I have spent hundreds of hours observing teachers from infants to 2nd grade. In fact, I almost became a licensed teacher myself, but my reasons for changing careers would be a whole separate post. I have worked with kids and in the school system. I also homeschooled and was a stay-at-home mom for quite some time. My passion was driven by my desire to learn to be a mom.
Anyone who is a parent will confirm that EVERYONE has an opinion about how to parent. From the teen who is working their first job as you shop with a tiny person to the aged adult trying to also shop. At the end of the day they all have an outsider's point of view, but an opinion nonetheless.
Recently I had to take away all things internet from my oldest child, and explain to her why these consequences came about. The exact same day I also ended up reading the above mentioned piece on parenting. I think there are a lot of really great points, but a couple I also think should be made.
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First, that child is using your resources for what they want. For example, internet, electricity, and the electronic devices all came out of my pocket. I see it as a negotiated deal. Weeks like this week I have taken away going places because of all the bickering along with not doing chores. I spend that time reinforcing household rules and talking with them. It pays off when days go by smoothly and everyone gets what they want (by earning it). They do their chores, I do my adult responsibilities (budgeting is painful for me), and fun is had for the rest of the day. The idea in my mind is that our fun comes after our work is complete. How does this tie in? It is the use of positive and negative reinforcement. I have been aiming for natural reinforcement. For me, that is what I attempt. Not everything succeeds, and not everything is natural. Just that is my ideal and what I use to judge the choices I make when parenting.
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Second topic I thought should be mentioned is trends. Some think that it is a phenomenon. People cannot avoid trends, so why shelter your kids from them? I have an alternative. My kids are not encouraged to dive into the Hollywood and social media game. Does this make them sheltered? Nope. They know of the icebucket challenge when it was happening. My oldest has part of her head shaved and the rest of her hair long. Not my idea of beauty, but I do not care if she wants that on her head. The difference is that I filter the trends. Roasting for example, I have flat out said I will not tolerate. If I hear them saying unkind things to each other, there are consequences because they will not degrade MY children. Not my oldest to her younger brother, nothing. No. I explain just that. I had plenty of verbal insults from my father in particular, and I do not find it in anyway funny. I looked my two oldest, who had started the roasting in my house, and firmly/fiercely/passionately explained that I would not tolerate it. We have talked about other trends and why they have brought harm on those trying them. I expect to continue doing this because social media has surfaced many stupid and dangerous trends. This actually has a lot to do with the media demonizing things they know very little about. That cannot be my resource for trends or concerns, and I hope to teach them the same.
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The final point I wanted to expand on was the individualism. Seriously, parenting is not linear. A + B = GREAT KID. People who think that way soon find a loosing battle. It's more like an art form. You get messy, everything around you is messy, the creation looks like you might have messed it up, and at the end you see how things turned out. I prefer linear. As a mindset that is where I go; I even have my own filing system. Then I had four kids and out the window went every linear equation I might have had regarding parenting. I know that there is no guarantee what I am doing will make well balanced and awesome adults. I am attempting to help mold them in that direction, but hell if I know what will happen.
Good luck my fellow parents. Know that I will judge you as much as you judge me. I will be judging whether I think your choices are fostering creativity or hindering growth. I might not tell you as such, but that is the reality. We can only observe others and make decisions from there. What you do might not work for me, but turn out great for you.
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