Twas my usual Monday. I was in the park sitting outside in the frigid Scottish sun with the little boom. The temperature was a balmy 9 degrees and I unzipped my heavy coat a little, to enjoy the 'warm' air.
The little boom was running frantically to and fro after various birds, screeching in what he thought was their language. The birds were squawking and shitting in terror but couldn't leave for the lure of the food scraps dropping from the cafe tables.
It was very peaceful despite the birds terrified squawks.
My mate Daz who normally accompanied me on a Monday was absent having been sent on numerous errands by his heavily pregnant wife.
No doubt she had sent him out for kimchi and old strips of leather to chew. It works with dogs.
I contemplated getting a cake. The little boom was so engrossed in his kill the birdies game; he probably wouldn't notice.
Vaguely, I noticed a shadow loom over me.
Oh, she's lovely!
Exclaimed a dotty old bat of a woman with pink hair.
Huh?
I said looking about me for a hot chick with big norks.
There was none. Just dog walkers, raddled looking mummies and old people.
What was the daft bat going on about? I shielded my eyes and looked up at her.
Eh?
I said politely.
Your wee girl. She's lovely. Isn't she?
Squawked the mad old bat.
I looked around too make sure that my daughter, the little lady, hadn't played hooky from school and somehow followed me to the park.
The mad old bat sensed my confusion.
Your wee lassie, she's lovely!?
She said, waving a diseased looking claw in the direction of my flame-haired son.
Isn't she?
She barked.
She is actually HE.
I said with a dismissive sniff.
WHAT!? Are you sure?
Demanded the mad old bat.
I rolled my eyes. Was I sure my son was a boy? Cheeky boot. He was practically Zeus reborn.
He has a penis. So, yes. I am sure.
I said flatly.
Oh! Goodness!? There is no need to be rude!
Huffed the mad old bat with a squarly look in her eye.
And balls. He has big fat balls.
I said with a malicious grin.
Oh!! OH!! That's a DISGRACEFUL way to talk!
My grin grew wider.
He takes after his Daddy I think.
I winked.
She let out a strangled yelp and turned tail, hobbling off, squawking about rude young men.
I chuckled and looked over at the little boom who was still chasing pigeons and screaming.
Ha, looks like you aren't the only one scaring away the wildlife, little man.