I know I should’ve told her. But I just didn't have the courage. The truth is, I was a coward. Trust me, even courage, the cowardly dog will marvel at how cowardly I am.
I realized it was all too late as I stood by the church door, holding tight to the invitation card she had sent to me earlier. I squeezed it tight, hoping that somehow I could change the hands of time and amend my mistake.
I watched people bustling into the wedding venue, all dressed in their best attire. Bright laces and gele, well-tailored senator's wears were all I could see. It was like a carnival. But amid all the noise, all I could hear was my heartbeat-beating in the rhythm of regret.
“Uche, are you still here? Come, let's snap a picture before they start!”
I shook the look of regret off my face and turned to see the bride. Beautiful Ifunanya standing beside me. I forced a smile and raised my hand, waving off her call. My clothes felt tight around the neck. I unbuttoned the flap to relieve myself. I was already sweating again
"Ifunanya." I struggle to say. "You shouldn't be here."
Ifunanya had been that girl I had known as a kid. Our mothers were best friends, and that was how we got to know each other. She was that girl who would chase me with broomsticks when I teased her in primary school. The same one who cried into my chest after her first heartbreak in SS2. That girl who couldn't embark on a mission without seeking my advice. That girl whose laughter lightens up my worst days. The girl I was too close with. That girl I had liked, crushed on, and loved secretly and stupidly, for over ten years.
And in all these years, I never told her how I felt.
"I know, but if the ceremony starts, we might not get that opportunity again." She pulled me by my hands. "Come on. I've called a photographer to meet us."
Reluctantly, I followed her. My mind couldn't stop thinking of how beautiful she looked. But then again, she was another man's bride-to-be. I had to let such thoughts out of my mind.
If only I had listened to Chuka and manned up. Maybe, just maybe, I would have been the one she was getting married to.
“You like her, abi?” Chuka had asked me once, back in university, as we sat in the field watching Ifunanya walk down to us from the other side of the road. I was so lost in her beauty that Chuka's words brought me back to reality.
I scoffed. “What difference doesn't it make? She doesn't like someone like me.”
Chuka groaned. “Ahhh, bro, I'm telling you that that girl is actually waiting for you to make the first move. You'll lose her to someone else if you continue this way."
I waved him off then. I couldn't blame him. What did he know? I knew Ifunanya more like the back of my palms. She liked fine, tall, rich boys. Men with bold chests and bold mouths. Not someone like me. An overthinker with shaky hands and dreams too small to impress her.
But that night, I had a rethink of what Chuka had said. What if I was wrong all this while? I grabbed my phone and typed a message to Ifunanya anyway. Maybe if I couldn't say it with my mouth when I meet her. It would be easier in text.
"Ifunanya, I’ve always liked you for a long time. I wish we could be more." I typed.
I stared at the screen for what felt like hours. I wondered if what I wrote even made sense. Then I deleted it.
“Uche.” Her voice brought me back to reality.
I forced myself to look her in the eye. I couldn't help myself anymore. I marveled at how beautiful she looked in her dress. Like a dream. Skin glowing. Eyes wide. Lips painted in soft pink, like the first sunrise after harmattan.
“You know, I never knew you'd come,” she said, smiling.
I nodded like a fool. “But, I did. Wasn't going to miss it for anything.” I lied. I was actually forced by Chuka to be standing there.
We stood there in silence. A silence that has many unspoken wishes. I could feel it in her eyes.
“Congratulations,” I said finally.
She looked down at her feet. She was drawing unrecognizable figures with the tip of her shoes. “Thanks.” She replied
“The truth is, I almost didn’t come.”
“Why?” she asked, looking up. "Why didn't you want to come to my wedding?"
I opened my mouth to talk. But shut it back quickly. It would be a grave mistake to tell her that the reason was that I am in love with her, I wanted to say it. To say it out loud. To tell her the reason was that I wanted to be the one standing up there beside her today. Because I'd always imagined us together, old and grey, still smiling.
“Just work,” I said instead.
She nodded and looked at the floor again. Then she cleared her throat. “You remember that night in our 300 level? After my dad died?”
I nodded. "Yes."
“Do you remember how you held my hand for hours. We didn’t talk much that night, but you stayed. It was like you knew exactly what I wanted at that hour.”
I smiled. “I know. I remember.”
“The truth is, I thought that would be the night you’d finally open up to me. I was so sure you felt it too.”
I blinked. “Felt what?”
She looked at me like I was a puzzle she’d never get to solve fully. “Uche, don't tell me you still don't get it? I waited for you. For years. I waited, thinking, maybe someday you'll say something. But you never did. The truth was. I never stopped liking you... loving you. But I couldn’t wait forever.”
My mouth opened. Nothing came out. My heart sank.
She reached for my hand, just for a second. “It could’ve been us, you know.”
"Ifunanya, I didn't know. You dated boys who were taller and richer than me. I thought maybe...."
"I dated them to get you jealous. Maybe it worked, but you just didn't have the courage to say anything. You hid behind your pain."
Just then, a photographer approached us. She let go of my hands immediately.
"Let's take a picture." She looked away.
"Ifunanya," I called. "Look at me." I stood there looking at her. Waiting for her to turn around. But she didn't.
Suddenly, it felt like she was becoming faint, like she was disappearing. Everything felt different, like the world was fading away. But somehow, Ifunanya still managed to remain calm and beautiful in all that.
"Uche! Uche!" The photographer kept calling me to focus. His voice was faint. Like someone who was losing his voice.
I opened my eyes and jerked to my feet. It was a dream. I was dreaming.
"Uche!" Chuka called. "What kind of sleep are you sleeping sef?"
"Guy, you just had to wake me up at that perfect time." I groaned.
"What perfect time? Besides, why were you calling Ifunanya's name in your sleep?"
"It's none of your business," I warned him and lay back down to sleep.
"But it's my business." I heard a familiar female voice say. I turned to see Ifunanya standing by the door with a plate of soup in her hands. I had forgotten that she had come visiting with Chuka at my apartment before I fell asleep. "I'm serious, I want to know." She added, looking at me.
I looked at Chuka. He smirked. "Answer na?"
I thought about my dream. How I felt seeing Ifunanya get married to another man. I took a deep breath and summoned up courage. I quickly bent to one knee and held her hands.
"Please, don't get married to another man. I won't forgive myself if I lose you." That was all I could come up with.
She looked at me, shocked. "But I'm not getting married yet."
"Dude, if you're proposing, better do it right," Chuka yelled at me.
I took one long, deep breath. "All I'm saying is, Ifunanya. I've always loved you since high school. It's been a thorn in my flesh watching you date other guys who did nothing but hurt you. I love you, and I know you feel the same way, too. I can tell because I just dreamt of it." I paused. "Ifunanya, would you be my..."
She dropped the bowl of soup happily. "Yes! Yes! Yes! I will be your girlfriend, wife, whatever. Why did it have to take you this long?"
She pulled me up and fell into my hands. And for the first time. I felt what it was like kissing the only girl I had truly loved.
