How to Disappear

“Soundlessly, and without fuss, some tender thing deep inside me broke. Something that, until then, I hadn’t even realized was there.”
_{Han Kang, Human Acts}

May. A not-so-planned getaway. This was the first taste of summer after the constant shivering of yesterdays. The wind seemed kinder. I spent half of the time that we were there looking at my surroundings, observing how they did not lose the light that reflects on their faces. I had one thought back then, I would like to stay here forever. I have always been fascinated by the beauty of nature, to such extent of wishing to be one with the trees. The stars. The clouds. Or anything I have deemed beautiful for long. I wondered how would it feel. Would they find me ethereal as well? Because we often see things differently when it is out of our reach. We can only watch as they shine and dance freely. It has been months. Right now, I miss hearing the harsh waves that frequently visited the shore.

I am not exactly sure when it started. I was too young to know. Perhaps, it just became difficult to notice. I stopped caring somehow. I wish to talk about it more without being vague. Yet each time I attempt to write using the rawness of my words, the more I do not want to be understood.

I never asked to be pitied. I am the type of person that will not tell you anything if I do not trust you. There are walls around me I have built until they are already sturdy. It is easier for me but honestly, I was not naturally like this. I was not gloomy and could quickly be friends with anyone before. However, people change. I guess, for me, it is for the better. I quietly distance myself, ensuring that my footsteps will not bother them. Fortunately, I decided to not be a burden thus, it is not hard for them to forget me. I would rather be a side character than play a huge role in somebody’s life. I am not heartless. Let’s say I have a heart that is too big for me that it overwhelms me. There is an urge to not share the ache I have been carrying for ages. To keep it all in. Even if it burns the roof of my mouth.

I bite my tongue ceaselessly to not create a sound. As if I have been heard enough. This is how I am choosing to gradually disappear. One day, I will completely vanish. I will not call or text, neither leave a letter to tell you where I am going. And I bet it will be the most freeing years of my life. I have dreamt of it since I was a child. I made a list of various ways that will help my departure to be less hurtful. I can still call this worth living if I am to be a fleeting memory.

Maybe, I will come back. I am certain I will be able to smile genuinely then, and I will be far unrecognizable. At peace. No longer miserable.

Alice

_{I used to stumble upon dreams where I was floating as a child, it went higher and higher—the world seemed tinier in my eyes. There were several nights I would have a similar dream when I started to be older, the only difference was the fall that occurred shortly afterwards. It happened so often I no longer remember how I actually felt. One time, I noticed a small crack that made everything crumble and I sank. I never ceased slipping until then.}

_{Hello! I go by the name Alice, under the username @lienric. A graduating senior high school student. I am from Laguna, Philippines. I enjoy doing a lot of things although, I am far from being considered as consistent. Yet I know that we are just trying to survive, and my pets are here to keep me alive. I write when all there is for me to tolerate becomes unbearable, or on some days I think I am a giant with hands I do not recognize.}

_{Pictures used are all mine.}