I hate that I feel tired all of the time. Not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually. Just fundamentally tired, all of the time.
Tonight is no different and I have been awake all of three hours. I'll stay that way , regardless of what I do or try, until my body gives up and then I'll pass out. I know how it will go, how I will feel, and it won't matter, it will be what it will be.
Just like I knew that if I tried to eat so soon after waking up that I would be sick. I knew the food wouldn't stay down. I knew I hate to vomit, I hate the shaking , the trembling that follows, I hate it all, but I ate anyway, just to keep the peace. I ate anyway because someone had made food and was upset that I wasn't going to eat it. I said "thank you, it smells wonderful, but my stomach is queasy and I think I should wait" , It didn't matter. Somehow my refusal was an attack and I could feel the fight brewing, so, I ate. And then , I vomited, and he asked if I needed a drink.
"No, I'll be fine, I've got it" . I didn't need a drink, I needed to avoid another argument, another time that your pride was more important, another chance for you to point out how fucked up and broken I am. God knows I wouldn't see that if you should ever fail to bring it my attention.
You won't and I know that too. And I am too tired to give a fuck.