Somewhere, I hope that many people recognize the moment I had last Sunday. You look at your body and clothes, and you want to put on those summer pants from last year, only to find out that they are much tighter than you could remember. That moment was such a confirmation of my subconscious, I had gained weight. And not one or two kilos, but TOO much. I can't pinpoint when it started. There was no big shock, no dramatic event, no cake orgy and yet... suddenly there I was. In the bathroom with pants that no longer fit me. My body has grown bigger. Too big.

I am not an emotional eater. I hardly eat sweets, and I cook sensibly. You don't have to tell me what is healthy and what is not. I have been at a good weight for years. But what I didn't realize is how much influence intense emotions can have on your metabolism, and how much influence "standing still" has. I only now fully realize the impact of losing Lex in 2018, Rowan in 2019, but especially, losing Lana and Myla (both in 2024). Although I still have a dog around me with Skipper that I walk with every day, it feels to my body as if I have come to a standstill. In comparison, I now have little exercise, and apart from the walks with Skipper, I have little variety anyway, and even less stimuli. So, unfortunately, I now notice that this can slowly but surely fill you up. Not so much with happiness, but with weight you don't want or even need.

Skipper is a fantastic, sweet, but extremely sensitive and insecure dog. Because of his insecurity, he is also very quickly overstimulated. And that meant for me that walking is no longer what it used to be. No more long, relaxed walks. I can no longer wander through the woods and fields with Skipper for hours. He cannot walk off the leash, and because he quickly gets stressed, every walk is stressful for him, but also me. This means that the walks have become considerably shorter. Where I could still walk for an hour every day with Lana and Myla, that is a different story with Skipper alone. Every walk is a matter of weighing up: are we going to encounter something? Is a cyclist coming? Is there a cow in the meadow? Are we walking safely? I live in the countryside, with the forests within walking distance, and there is no shortage of walking routes. But SAFE walking routes? A major shortage. In the forests, you always come across other people with dogs, a no-go for Skipper. And at the farms, there are often guard dogs that can run off the property. Also a no-go for Skipper.

After Lana and Myla passed away, walking has automatically become less. Of course, I could go alone, but that feels like a huge betrayal of Skipper. And now you understand, with less exercise, a vicious circle has begun. My body had nowhere to go with the energy that I was always used to taking in, and that I had not thought about reducing, except inward. Ultimately, every pound comes through the mouth, but in this case, the cause was to be found in "standstill".

And as strange as it may sound, I didn't even really notice it, or should I say, I ignored it. I was playing ostrich to myself. I was still processing the loss of my girls and wasn't ready to take on this new challenge, again! My days are quiet. I have few social contacts. I don't often have to get dressed for something special. No occasions where you suddenly get a fright from a photo or yourself in a shop window. So it crept in unnoticed. Silently.

When I wanted to put on those summer pants, they were way too tight for me. I felt like a wrapped sausage. The first thought I had was, "This CAN'T be true", and the second thought was ... "This is it. Now I'm done with it. Now it's time to do something completely different".

On Monday, I made the decision and bought the smart scale. Not so much because I have to ‘aim for a specific weight’, but mainly because I wanted insight. And because I realised that the numbers can mean something. And yes, I know it's not 100% accurate. That doesn't even matter to me. I can now follow trends, and that's what I need. I can gain some insights about my body. The numbers don't mean a thing for my value as a person, but for the health of my body. In the past, I had a period in which I was much too heavy, then it was much worse than now. But anyway, I took action then too, and I lost 30 kilos in three quarters of a year. My secret then was to walk briskly for 1 to 1.5 hours every day and drink a lot of water, eat consciously, but not diet. I always continued to eat everything. And that is what I am going to do again now. My eating pattern is good, although I have already noticed that I need to include more protein in my diet. Without the smart scale, I would not have noticed that. What I do have to watch out for is that I do not go to extremes like I did then. I was obsessed with the scale back then, and if it showed a pound more in the morning one day, I would eat almost nothing that day... I don't want that kind of thing now. I don't have the scale for the kilos, but for the other numbers. They are more important to me because they give me insight into how my body is doing. And that is important. If I get those numbers in balance, then that will automatically affect the kilos, and that will automatically result in being able to wear those summer pants again. Lol.

What is one thing, of course, is that my exercise has become much less, and I don't know, yet, how to change that in a way that feels good for both Skipper and me. Something I also have to think about a lot more is my "water routine". This was also neglected. In the winter, I have trouble drinking enough water because it is always cold here, drinking cold water then is not my thing, then I prefer to drink tea, apparently that works differently ... I can't say that with certainty yet ... but time will tell.

I'm not planning on crashing or going on extreme diets, but I am ready for change. Not an overnight transformation that will blow your mind, but a slow, conscious journey to feeling better. Luckily, I don't have to lose 30 kilos this time, not even half of that. I didn't let it get that far, but the extra kilos I was carrying around were enough to make me take action. I am now actively working towards my goal every day. Conscious eating, more exercise, more attention to what I need, but especially to what I don't need.

In the weeks and months that will follow, I will get back to the weight I want. At the moment, I am overweight, but I am sure that this will not last long. The loss of Lana and Myla has hit me much harder on several levels without me realizing it. And now it is time to take back control together with Skipper. We will just go for a walk together every day, where and when we can, like every day. We will try to work towards expanding these walks step by step.

It feels like a fog has lifted in my head. The realization that standing still can take you further away from where you want to be. Now I am finally moving again, not only physically, but mentally as well.

And I know that it will not be easy. Like many things, it will be a matter of falling and getting up. So when I fall, I will get up again. Step by step. With Skipper at my side.