I was lost......
My story starts back in middle school; I did all the new trends to stay popular and it worked I was the girl you would seek out for style but when ever I broke away and did something that I thought was in oh man I was questioned and I never did it again, only to find it in style some years later. So by me not caring what they said I lost a piece of me slowly.
now to first year in high school I found myself pregnant with my now 17 yr old son. I love him to pieces but because I was soo young my mom stepped in when his dad stepped out. She then became like a second mom and has lived with me every since or I have lived with her which every way you want to say it we have lived with each other. So I never got that time in your life were you move out, where you get your place or you roommate with friends and you figure stuff out on your own. You devolve your own style your own ways of doing things. Keeping the knowledge that was passed down to you but changing things adding your own oomph to it.
Now I love my mom sooo much and I am sooo grateful to have her dont get me wrong here. But not having this experience pushed me from fully finding who I was, because things are still done her way , not in a mean way but when I do something different it is meant with a ? why do it like that ? or What are you doing ?? So during these years I have been loosing pieces of me as well.
So I bring you to 2010 met the love of my live.
Now to 2012 I move with my mom and son over to a small town in California where everyone knows everyone and it was a major major shock. During this time I lost my name. I say this because my Fiance had a friend who was having a baby and I had tried to become friends with his girlfriend but they were more interested in my Fiance they even made me the god father of their daughter and yes it hurt that I wasn't asked to be the godmother after everything I did for them I was over looked. I would tell my Fiance to go and buy them this item that item and they would call him and thank him but never me. So the big day comes and she is having the baby we arrive and his mother is out in front of the room with her parents. she goes OH ____ you made it, everyone this is ____ and he is the godfather..... and that was that. There was no mention of me even though I was standing right THERE for all to see. I was soooo pissed we left shortly after. lets just say that friendship didnt last long.
All these things had been picking off pieces of me here and there trying to fit in, not leaving on my own and moving to a place where everyone knows my Fiance and not really caring to met me. I think I lost it last year.
Yup 2016 I lost it, I cried everyday I was sooo unhappy that I didnt know myself anymore and there were other things that added to this but I dont want to write a book here lol
But then I found people on youtube and I started to find myself coming out of the darkness and I found myself again im still learning how to do things that I want and dress how I want and act like ME again. It has been forever. I had to go back to my childhood and remember things that made me happy and what things did I like. So I found myself Im still learning how to not fall back into the groove of just being there.
I hope this may of helped someone in a similar situation or feeling