I think about death often lately.
It usually creeps in when I'm alone. Late night. Early morning hours. When the house is quiet and there's nothing to distract the mind from going where it wants to go.
I'm not really afraid of it. But I'm sad about who I'll leave behind.
My faith tells me there's something after this life. I'm not going to get into what I believe. That's my business. But it gives me peace. Knowing this isn't the end. Knowing there's more. That helps.
Since my health challenges started, my view of death has changed. I think about it more often now. There have been times I wished it would come for me. I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But I try not to dwell on it. Because there's something inside that says I still have things to do. People who still need me. I don't want to go down that road and where it leads.
When I think about what I want to leave behind, it's simple. I want people to remember me and smile. Maybe even laugh. Raise a glass. That's all. No monuments. No grand legacy. Just a memory that makes someone's day a little better when it crosses their mind.
If there's anything I'd want written on my tombstone, it's something I once heard was on an old hill person's grave: "I did the best I could with the brains God gave me." That's it. That's the whole thing.
There's not much I would or could do differently before I die. Except maybe reach out more. Contact family and friends I've let drift. Touch base. Let them know they mattered.
I do live differently now because of what I've faced. I'm more patient. Calmer. I appreciate the smaller details in the world. The stuff I used to blow past without noticing. I see it now.
What gives me peace is knowing I've ensured stability for my wife after I pass. That she'll be okay. And knowing I gave my sons the best tools I could to make it through life.
Most of all, I want my sons to know something.
They were the purpose for my everything once they were born. Every decision. Every push. Every hard conversation. It was all for them.
I fucked up a lot being a father. I know that. But I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. All I ever wanted was for them to be the very best they could be. To be better than me. To do better than me.
I want them to know I'm proud of them. Both of them.
And I love them more than life itself.
That's the truth. And now it's written down where it can't be unsaid.
Thanks for reading,
Joe
Notes:
-All content is mine unless otherwise annotated.
-Images are my own unless otherwise noted.
-Photos edited using Linux photo editor and drawing and/or iPhone SE.
-Page Dividers from The Terminal Discord.