Another day, another adventure.
Though instead of camping inside, today's adventure was out of the house and was only a trip to the city to do some shopping, and have a daddy-daughter coffee date. We took the bus and tram into the city rather than driving, because that way we could ride the tram down the main street to a few stops on the one ticket, rather than parking and walking. It is also cheaper than parking for more than an hour, because parking is silly expensive for such a small city.
Smallsteps hates shopping.
But she didn't mind it today.
Because we were shopping for her. She has a couple gift cards she got from her birthday and Christmas, so we went firstly to the bookstore to pick up the last in the series she is reading, and then to a kind of random store that didn't have much for kids, which makes it a weird gift card for a kid. So, instead of buying some crap, she made the executive decision to buy a pretty notebook, a pencil, pen and an eraser, so she can write more.
And then we went for a slice of cake.
This might sound weird, but I feel bad when she has to spend too much time with me, because I feel that I am always teaching her something, or adjusting her behaviour in some way. I don't mean to do it, but it is part of my nature and it is hard to repress it. I am trying to be more aware so I can catch and stop myself more often, but I have limited success. Also, I feel like I have to teach her what I can, when I can, because I am quite conscious that I am not going to be around forever, and that "not around" can come much sooner than expected.
Despite the various health issues and one very close shave, I don't think my wife really acknowledges how valuable time is. For her, there is always later when it comes to what I consider are the things that matter. This is not to say that she doesn't spend time with our daughter, because she does and she is a super great mother, but for many things, it is a "one day" approach. For me, today is the day for pretty much everything. Yet despite the sense of urgency I have, actually getting things done is a monumental challenge for me since the stroke.
But when I am with Smallsteps, I try extra hard to push through whatever issues I am dealing with myself and attempt to get things done. Most of the time, it really is a physical effort to hold my attention on what she is saying, and I have to keep telling myself to listen closely, even though I can feel my mind drawing away. It isn't because she is boring that I feel this, quite the opposite. It just takes effort and the more attention I have to pay, the less energy I have to keep my patience in check. One day she will read this perhaps and realise I was a terrible father, but I don't mean that I don't want to listen to her. It is just a struggle, because of the way I am.
The other day she called me whilst I was at the gym, and through tears burbled something about the kitchen table and a marker that had gone through while onto the surface, and she couldn't clean it off. I calmed her down and then changed the subject to the ice cream I was going to get for us on the way home, since it was a daddy-daughter evening. Once home and before I saw what had happened, I just asked if she was alright and she said she called because she thought it would be better to tell me straight away, rather than wait. Absolutely.
I get frustrated easily, and I am far more impatient than I was and would like to be. But again, before I had seen the white stone table top, I said that I only get "angry" with small things. With big things that actually mean something, I am pretty calm. And this is not a lie and I wonder why it goes that way. Small things frustrate me, like when people don't pack the dishwasher well, or are too lazy to break down a cereal box so that it is flat. Nonsense stuff. But big things, I am okay.
It is strange.
And I had already decided that whatever happens with the benchtop, this is not going to be an issue. If it is ruined, so be it. But it will be a lesson. However, since I am pretty good at cleaning stuff because I take the time and use the right cleaners, with a little bit of effort I was able to clean the marker off the benchtop and all was well. And instead of being angry, I talked Smallsteps through the process, but said that if something like this happens again, it is still better to call first because it might need a different treatment.
We then watched a documentary on baby wild animals together.
I just wish I could regain some of my ability to stay calmer and get some of my patience back. I can likely affect it a bit further, but it will never return to where it was, because I will never have the same energy levels I used to be able to give my attention. I am always in that "too mentally tired" state that lowers willpower and lets attention wander away from where I want to focus.
But I try.
And I will keep trying to get better at it, because especially now that Smallsteps is getting a bit older, this is going to be her experience of me. Even recently she has asked what I was like before the stroke, and I had to tell her that I was different, better. But I also assured her that whatever happens, I will always try to be my best for her, even when I fail. And I fail often. And this worries me because despite all of the little lessons we have throughout the day, she is going to remember the way I behave first and foremost.
And that is not the person I would have wanted her to know.
But we all have our struggles in life, and we all fail sometimes at least. I am not the role model I wanted to be for Smallsteps, but I am still a role model in kind and as such, at least I can let her see me keep trying despite the failures and perhaps, despite the lack of success. I think that if I was single and childless, I would have given up long ago. The day will arrive when I am not here or anywhere, and I hope at that time, I will have done enough.
Taraz
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