I had an episode last night, which wasn't that fun at all. I haven't had one of these in some time so it was hard on me. My PTSD was calmer than usual which was a relief. I was just crying while words, pictures, and emotions just kept running inside of me. I just laid there in the bed crying feeling bad, sad and anxious.
!
I know why it was coming. The thing is that I just have about 1 month left on my work contract and I've been trying to extend that by sending in my personal letter because the company has a place open and need people. I'm nervous if I'm going to get the job and that is what triggered my PTSD last night. It's hard having these stuff from the life I have left but it always there reminding me. Last night, the last words my mother said to me before I run away was thrown at me at full force and I couldn't stop it. It was just there. Flying in my head, throwing me off guard. I think I did this for maybe 30minutes.
Honestly, I really dislike this when it happens. Sure, it doesn't happen as often like before but it's always there lingering in my head, reminding me of the time before I run away from home. Before I didn't want to talk about it or liked to think about it. But it was there. It wasn't when II notice that I was harming those around me that I wanted to get help. I still suffer from it, sometimes I can handle it and sometimes I can't, like yesterday. PTSD is not fun and I don't wish that to anybody.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Safine