As I stared at the mess I created, I realized something, and I felt pathetic for not realizing it sooner. I'm really on the verge of breaking down and crying, but there's hardly a private place for that here at our place, so I just heavily sighed to express my deep disappointment.
Konnichiwa Hivers! It's me, your ridgette again, and for today, I'll share some rants about the past experiences I encountered these past few days. I've been bombarded with a lot of work, so please bear with me as I share with you all my realizations amidst the rants I'll share. If you don't want to be stressed, then you're free to ignore this. Join me as I share the stress that I've experienced and the stressors I've encountered.
Ready to be stressed? Just joking, fine, let's start with my very first realization:
I shouldn't have expected too much.
Expecting too much was never good, and I've experienced a lot of unfortunate things in the past. But it seems that I never learned. I thought that they would be different from my previous classmates, yet they turned out to be worse. They failed to understand the value of my time, effort, and the work I've done. I already followed what they wanted me to do—I've really done my best, but still...
My best will never be good enough.
Wait—was it really my best? I'm not really sure because I knew that the deadline somehow affected my writing pace as well as the quality of the script that I'm tasked with. Nevertheless, I did really finish it on time, but I guess it was rushed and I somehow do things that's against my principle. Well, I'm forced to because there's no enough time and there's a deadline (kuno) that I need to catch up on.
I read almost half of the novel (it has 64 chapters with 500+ pages). Reading a novel like that usually takes me only less than a day or two days at most to finish, but I also have other things to do. The teaching demo, dance practices, other school projects, upcoming quizzes, and also my housework really occupied the majority of my time. So how am I supposed to finish it in less than a week? Anyway, I wasn't able to fully utilize what I'd read because...
Demanding teachers are surely bothersome.
I know that she's only worried that we won't be able to finish it on time, but I also know she's aware that we have a lot of things to do. At least she should be somehow considerate, but instead of understanding our situation, she insisted on the day of our group's teaching demo that the whole script should be submitted before 10:00 A.M. How am I supposed to finish it before the deadline? That really got me worried because our teaching demo will also start later, and we're the first presenters. I'm really torn on what will be the first thing I'll do.
I know my classmate will really blame me if we get reprimanded because of the unfinished script. They will not say it in my face, but still, the gossip from their damned mouths will be obvious. I don't want to be part of their gossips, so I immediately get to work on the script. When they realized that they'd also be damned because of the unfinished script, they quickly helped me with the unfinished part. Suddenly, another realization hit me.
They are self-preserving bitches.
Yeah, most of them. I already asked for help on Saturday evening because I know I can't finish the script alone, but only one of them responded and somehow helped me. I even waited until Monday night. I even slept late in hopes that someone would message me and help me with the remaining scenes I hadn't finished, but unfortunately, I fell asleep and woke up with no one reaching out to me to help. I was really disappointed because I know most of them don't have roles yet, so at least they should have helped me a little with the script. They just moved their arses the moment they knew they'd also be damned if the script was not finished. The possible negative consequence really motivated them, but anyway, most of the work was still up to me.
So, long story short, I finished and submitted it to my teacher at 10:00 A.M. I thought she'd thoroughly check the script, but she just scrolled past the ending like the way you scroll to your social media account. I was disappointed—really disappointed—because I thought she'd thoroughly check it. If I had known that she wouldn't check it properly, then I shouldn't have wasted my time heavily editing it. I should have stuck to what my classmate sent to me and just copied and pasted it so that I'd have a longer time preparing for my discussion in the demo. This led me to feel that...
I somehow hate my future profession.
Do teachers need to be nagger? Like I said, maybe she was just concerned with us, but we aren't children anymore. We already know what we are doing. This experience made me doubt if being a teacher will be worth it in the future. Will I become like her? I hope I will not, because if that happens, then it's better to change professions because I don't want to constantly bother other people. Maybe this isn't really for me, but for now...
Let's see what will happen.
Will it change? (I doubt it), will it improve? (I guess), or will it be worse? (I hope not) I'm a believer in trusting the process, so now I will try to go with the flow rather than going against it. I know that it will be hard for me to ignore my intrusive thoughts, but I'll stay calm for now and maybe somehow pretend a little that it's all okay. I've survived high school by not making fuss out of those disappointments I experienced. So yeah, I will wait and see where these things and experiences lead me.
The first picture was edited in Canva while the rest were taken by yours truly, ridgette.