For days now I have gone with out talking to the one person I have Loved the longest.... My mind tells me I am doing the right thing; but my heart says other wise. I lay awake some nights wondering if he misses me or just the things I would do for him. I wonder if he even thinks about the need that our daughter needs besides his needs and wants. All I have seen has been his addiction to electronics; since we started our relationship. I wish that it wasn't so; but everything got worse after I became pregnant. I started to feel neglected and pushed away at the same time. He would spend so much time on the computer that he didn't help me with any of the house work. By this time I had cleaned the kitchen and the living room top to bottom on my own. I wish that he would have helped me with out being asked multiple times to do so. In the mornings before I headed off to class I would have to write a list of things I would like help with and hope that he would wake up before I got home. I am not sure what all caused the relationship to end other than the lack of communication on both sides and the distance growing between us emotionally.
With in the last two years alot has happened and we both lost people we loved and cared about. We let our own feelings get between us and tear us apart. Now I am just over 35 weeks along and getting everything set for her to be here. Yes I did leave him and yes it broke my heart to pieces; but our relationship became unhealthy and all the fighting put so much stress on me that it was affecting our daughters growth. She was smaller than she should have been; only after removing myself from the environment and into my fathers house across the country did she flourish and start to grow rapidly. I don't want to force him to be a dad if he isn't ready to be one and with all of his actions that have been shown that seems to be the case. Which makes me sad..... I have put my feelings and wants aside to make sure my daughter has a stable place to be brought up in. I have also made it so that my daughter will know her grandparents even if I don't stay living here in Illinois to make that possible. However I will let her get to know her grandfather and all of her family here. I would love to have her father here for her; but he doesn't seem to want to do that. Makes me even sadder to know that he is making the choices that he has been.
Dear @gogogadget;
I want you to know I forgive you and all the things you have said and done to me. I love you and will always love you and care for you. However I know you may never feel the same for me and you only see me as a monster for taking my self across the country. I really only wanted to see how far you would go for me and our soon to be a daughter to show you loved us. My thoughts before I go to sleep are of your arms around us when we would fall asleep. I miss the embrace of the safest place I have found. I miss you and wish you would come around and start seeing things differently.
Love who once was your Kitten.
Enjoy and keep on steeming.