By Stu Peterson St. Paul, April 28 - Observers have noted a suspicious correlation, especially among men, between regular strenuous exercise and skepticism of claims that Jews control the world. I therefore refuse to succumb to pressure to join the ranks of the disciplined athletes. Doing so acknowledges a volitional aspect to my health, my mental state, and my overall reality, which runs counter to my insistence that Jewish perfidy and corruption account for every misfortune. You won't catch me lifting weights!

"It's highly suspicious." Jerusalem, April 24 - Israeli prosecutors and law enforcement personnel expressed surprise and concern today upon discovering an advisor to a senior appointee of the Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu who, against the prevailing pattern among such figures, has never accepted bribes, salaries, gifts, or other remuneration originating in the machinations of the Al-Thank regime in Doha - and investigators believe that the man in question is but one of at least several such non-Al-Thani assets.

Tehran's subsidence exceeds the normal rate for a metropolis of its size by six hundred percent. Tehran, April 23 - The Islamic Republic accused the Jewish State today of causing the gradual collapse of land underneath its capital city by demolishing the underground passages of Hamas, the militant Islamist group that governs much of the Gaza Strip, more than 1,600 kilometers away.

"We're not in favor, per se, of undocumented migrants killing... but for Palestinians... we call that justice." New York, April 22 - Left-wing activists and politicians who favor accommodating the millions of undocumented and unauthorized people who entered the US over the last several years, and whose presence has sparked concerns of preventable violence by some of that cohort, voiced some reluctance this week about linking the plight of those migrants , threatened with deportation, to another flagship cause of the Left, upholding the resentments and irredentism of the descendants of a different group of migrants who, seeking a better life in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, flocked into the Ottoman-ruled, then British-ruled, territory of Palestine, and proceeded to attempt to wipe out the returning Jewish population whose economic development had attracted those migrants in the first place, and still, a century later, nurture the dream of attempting the massacres and dispossession again, sources in left-wing politics disclosed today.

"I've gone to live with my parents until this is worked out," confided one newlywed man. Jerusalem, April 17 - A supervisory agency overseeing compliance with Jewish dietary laws at an event hall revoked its approval for the hall today, throwing into uncertainty the legitimacy of marriages performed in the venue, its owners disclosed today.

by Linda Sarsour New York, April 16 - We women's rights activists, like most progressives, think in idealistic terms, and our rhetoric reaches for that same idealism - even if it ends up clashing with the messy reality of politics and culture. The slogans therefore capture the spirit, if not the nuances, of the movement, even if the complete picture gets elided by a pithy "Believe All Women" when we really mean "Believe All Women Unless That Offends Islamists."