(Image belongs to me)I often tell myself that there is no shame to be had in making mistakes. After all, if we could not know better, then how could we be expected to do better? Making a choice, however, is different from a mistake. To make a choice is to intentionally do so, despite knowing what the outcome will be....
When a mistake is made because of another--persuaded by another--it can become even more difficult to accept. Sometimes we ask ourselves, how could I have allowed myself to be duped so easily? I thought I knew better than that... Again, if we could not know better, how could we do better? Not only do you then face the consequences of your actions, but you must also accept that you misplaced your trust in someone.
For me, this lesson came in the form of a relationship. Actually, I am unsure if "relationship" would be the right word to describe it... When I first met Scott, I could not have assumed that anything was amiss. We were just getting to start to know one another, everything was new and exciting, but most importantly, we both seemed happy with our arrangement! So imagine my surprise when I should happen to stumble upon his phone one day, only to discover that he had a profile on two dating apps, and had messaged multiple women. To put things into greater perspective, we had only been dating for 3 months and were already living together. What kind of partner agrees to live with the other if they aren't even truly committed?...
So that was what the beginning of our relationship was based upon: deception and suspicion. Perhaps I should have been smart and listened to that huge red flag; was I wrong for making that mistake? Again, when you are under someone else's persuasion, hearing over and over about how they will change as a person, you cannot help but want to believe them. Sometimes it feels like there is no alternative, because to choose to believe the opposite means admitting everything you know now is a lie. Not many people can do that.
I was told by Scott himself multiple times that he would become a changed person. I was promised that we would leave our hometown, and begin a fresh start somewhere new. I was told that the profiles would be deleted, that he would not stray anymore. He promised that we would no longer be victim to our toxic habits. Naively I told myself, "fool me once: shame on you." Should he fall short of his promises, I would not stay.
Often times, you will hear people say that "cheaters never change." I don't know how much truth there is to that, but from my own experience, I think the saying may ring true for some people. Not even a few months after agreeing to change, Scott was already back to his old ways. The dating profiles were never deleted. In fact, it had gotten worse--he was now receiving pictures from women. The toxic habits never stopped; they escalated. It was almost like by giving Scott my approval that I would stay, I had suddenly dissolved him of all responsibilities. He felt he did not need to try anymore, because obviously I would stay no matter what.
And so, despite being 3,000 km away from home, and despite having absolutely no one else to rely on, I left Scott and made the trip back home alone. I heard begging and pleading for weeks after I left, but I never made an effort to budge. Since then, I have found myself in a much better place, in a much healthier relationship. I know enough now that I will never allow myself to be put in a situation like that again. In fact, I do not think the fear will ever arise again. I plan on staying with my partner for life...
